He wanted to go back to school. I just needed him to stop sitting at home so much.
Am I allowed to do that? To say that as much as I supported his decision to hit the books with the dream of carving out a new career path, the emotional stressed out part of me just needed him to fill his days? Probably not. I also probably shouldn’t say how often my anxiety and fear of the unknown surfaces in petty, ridiculous ways.
He wanted to go back to school. I was terrified. (There. That’s the truth.)
A few years ago I took one of those character type surveys at work. There is something remarkably unsettling about spending twenty minutes selecting random adjectives only to have the computer spit out a painfully accurate analysis of you. I like to think of myself as significantly complex: a standard test really should not be able to discern the truth about oh-so complicated me in such a sneaky, underhanded way.
Occasionally I pull the red binder that houses the painful truth of who I am out of a locked drawer and flip through the pages to figure out why a particular co-worker pushes all my buttons. A few days ago I set it on my desk to consider why my anxiety three years ago was so high. If I loved my husband and wanted him to succeed (also the truth) why was I freaking out?
Here’s an excerpt from The Book of Secrets:
When faced with a tough decision, Thelma will seek information and analyze it thoroughly. She is good at analyzing situations that can be felt, touched, seen, heard, personally observed or experienced. Her motto is, “facts are facts.” She may be reluctant to initiate new approaches to doing things. If she is shown the benefits, she will consider new procedures.
Hi. Yeah… that’s me.
I struggle with trust, folks. Big time. I’m Tangible Evidence Girl. I operate from a need to know things will turn out. Blind faith? No thanks.
Thing is, the One Who made me? Yeah, He’s known this all along. I might be slow and terrified, but He’s just busy working. So He (because He loves us and all our life is grace) showers me with facts I can cling to, teaching me to pray for reminders. That time the grocery pouch was empty and we had guests coming? A box of food arrived on our doorstep. The time we were close to being short on the mortgage? The cheque we didn’t know was coming from the government arrived.
So Tuesday? When this man of mine (who rocked school, his co-op term and is currently showing up for his new career with determination, passion and leadership) walked across the stage to accept his diploma? I cried. (I’m crying right now. Who am I kidding?)
He wanted to go to school, you see. He had the courage to step out in faith, knowing God would supply both of us whatever we needed. And then he applied himself to his task with the persistence and courage that I’ve grown to love in him.
If that ain’t worth a few tears, I don’t know what is.
What about you? Do you struggle with trust?